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  1. #1
    Padowan Hobbit (Karaoke Killer)
    Guest
    I have just had the dubious pleasure of spending a week on holiday in Tenerife. I stayed at a hotel in Playa de Las Americas which, I can now state with some authority, is Chav Ground Zero. After making a number of observations, I have concluded that Playa has a specific chavity of 0.983. It is so near perfect specific chavity (1.000) because:1. ALL the bars are owned and run by Brits.2. You can buy a pint (advertised as a pint, not 0.5l) of Fosters, Boddingtons, Worthingtons, or Tennants in all the bars.3. ALL the bars are showing at least two different games of kevball at the same time.4. ALL the bars and restaurants have English PRs" outside, literally begging for your custom.5. ALL the restaurants have the menues in at least 5 languages.6. ALL the restaurants serve nowt much but pie/steak/chicken/burgers/mixed grills and chips. Local dishes like piella? Forget it.7. You want a British newspaper? Of course you can have one. Choose from the wide selection of: The Sun, Mirror, News of the Screws, Daily Record, Express, or Mail.8. Burger King, Mc Donalds, KFC, and Pizza Hut. No need.9. Las Veronicas. REALLY no need.And, of course10. The holiday makers. There is never any need to walk through the streets of a town without your shirt / t-shirt / vest (*shudder*) on, regardless of whether or not you're on holiday. You wouldn't show off your sunburned tubs of lard here, so why do it in someone else's country.So why didn't it hit perfect chavity? Well:1. The wife and I were there, pulling the chave rating down some. 2. I actively sought out a copy of the Daily Telegraph (to no avail).3. We spent as little time in Playa as possible.I made a further discovery while in this expedition: there is a direct corrolation between specific chavity (SC) and and tattoos per square metre. This can be expressed in the following formula:>SC = >tpm2Ithenku."

  2. #2
    Alun Hemington
    Guest
    You forgot to mention that all the menus have pictures of the food, so the chav's that have no grasp of even their native dialect merely have to pint at the board and grunt to request their required feed.

  3. #3
    Alun Hemington
    Guest
    er point, my grasp of english seems to be waning ;o)

  4. #4
    Padowan Hobbit (Karaoke Killer)
    Guest
    LOL! VERY true!

  5. #5
    Padowan Hobbit (Karaoke Killer)
    Guest
    (to both posts!)

  6. #6
    SloBoy
    Guest
    Wouldn't Chav Central have the gutters in the street specially designed for the sift removal of vomit ? IIRC from P dl A some years ago, the eastern end of the town just used to slowly fill up until hosedown time.

  7. #7
    John (Barbed Wire Love)
    Guest
    you could say that about most parts of Spain (and Portugal, Greece, Turkey, etc) where Brits tend to go on holiday.We've recently got back from Cala'n Forcat on Menorca, nice place, but full of British (and Irish) families. Accessory of choice = pushchair.All the bars had large screen TVs, all showing Sky Sports (not a bad thing if you're into Footie / Olympics, which we are) and nearly all sold Pints of either San Miguel or one of the other Spanish beers (strong lager to you & me). All the locals spoke better English than some English people, but were very happy if you made an attempt to speak Spanish (which I did)There was also 'The Scottish Pub' which we never went in, claiming to serve Worthingtons, Guinness, etc, and 'Porkys Bar' which constantly played whiney C&W music all the time.It could've been anywhere that the Brits go.(Don't get me wrong, I did like it, but it wasn't exactly authentic Spain)

  8. #8
    Padowan Hobbit (Karaoke Killer)
    Guest
    LOL @ Slo: It hasn't changed.

  9. #9
    Senior Member JaseT's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
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    5,480
    2. You can buy a pint (advertised as a pint, not 0.5l) of Fosters, Boddingtons, Worthingtons, or Tennants in all the bars."Is that not a good thing?Long live the pint!"

  10. #10
    Couple of years back I went on Holiday with the inlaws not far enough from Malaga. Ohhh my god what a place. Don't really think I heard any Spanish the whole time I was there.The saving grace of the holiday was the fact that we had a villa in the hills far away from anyone. Biking wasn't too shabby either.

  11. #11
    SloBoy
    Guest
    We weren't far from Malaga this year (Nerja) - seemed like a load of Spanish and French holidayists.

  12. #12
    Padowan Hobbit (Karaoke Killer)
    Guest
    The point is, Jase, they were advertising pints" but you got 0.5l. Intelligent people like ourselves would have understood this and accepted it, but I'm surprised more roudy elements of Chav didn't start a ruck over the "short measures"."

  13. #13
    Slo....I was close to Nerja as well when I went. You saw Spanish people there? I must have gone at the wrong time of year!!

  14. #14
    Senior Member JaseT's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Posts
    5,480
    Aaah, i get it now! I suppose the chavs are so out of it that they wouldn't notice it anyway. I think you're attitude to these type of resorts changes dramatically as you get older. I can remember being 18 yrs old away from home for the first time on your own. Those places seem like the greatest place on earth!Nowadays i wouldn't dream of going anyway near the godforsaken hell holes but i'm sure within a few years my daughter will want to go there with her mates at some point....Aaarghhhhhh! Not even worth thinking about me thinks!

  15. #15
    John (Barbed Wire Love)
    Guest
    The alternative is a villa holiday in the hills far from the popular resorts?We went to Santa Pau in Catalunya in Sept 2001, lovely little medieval fortified village. Couple of shops, one bar, couple of restaurants and plenty of countryside. The nearest town - Olot - was having its annual Fiesta, which meant that for 4-5 days everything was shut. We lived on ham & cheese sandwiches (crusty 'pan rustique') for the first 4 days, and I think we only ate out twice due to the remoteness of the place. We ended up spending a good few day-trips at Roses on the Costa Brava - nice place, I'd recommend a holiday there any day. Mostly French day-trippers from Perpignan & the like, hardly any Brits.Oh, aye, the guided tour round the Nou Camp stadium was good, too.And then 2 airliners crashed into the World Trade Centre. Let's say Barcelona airport for our return flight 3 days later was a little tense...Of course, there is a happy medium, isn't there?

  16. #16
    My cousin lives in Tenerife, in Oratavia on the north side, which is mostly spanish. A few years back my brother and I went to visit, and had a great time. But all the clubs and bars were very spanish orientated so we went to Playa for a few days for the nightlife. It was everything Pad said, and worse. Those people that hang around trying to convince you to go in the bars/clubs? I had a chat with one who basically explained she came out for a holiday and couldn't be arsed to go home. The place was full of themMy cousin tried to order a drink at a bar in the Veronicas in spanish and nearly got thrown out for doing so! Only the fact it turned out the manager had gone to school with him (Tenerife's english school that is) prevented it. Basically they don't let the locals into the bars, and since no english person would dream of speaking spanish if they didn't have to it was a total give away.....

  17. #17
    such a shame that the other folk on the planet think the rest of the people on this island are fat brainless fucks.Its embarrassing.

  18. #18
    SloBoy
    Guest
    If it wasn't for the Americans, we'd be in real trouble. At least we're not the fattest or the most brainless ...

  19. #19
    Lol @ Slo. Thats so true!!

  20. #20
    John (Barbed Wire Love)
    Guest
    ...but we're getting there ;-)

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