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Thread: Arses

  1. #1

    Arses

    I've never had particularly hairy arse, I've noticed as I'm approaching 40 its getting much hairier around the crackal (not sure if that's a word) region.
    Is this normal?
    Xx

  2. #2
    Senior Member The BIG GT's Avatar
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    Yep. And once you hit 40, your ear hair, nose hairs and eyebrows will grow like there's no tomorrow. Get used to it (and a decent set of tweezers)...

  3. #3
    Senior Member Stan's Avatar
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    I just run an epilator over mine.

  4. #4
    Might try the wife's epilator then, the excess fluff is chaffing when riding, unless of course I apply some endurance cream.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Stan's Avatar
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    Be careful, it "plucks" quite hard the first time - often best to trim anything long and straggly first. Its particularly eye watering if you pluck a long one by accident that's growing near the exhuast.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Dalesman 's Avatar
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    Rule #5

  7. #7
    Senior Member Stan's Avatar
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  8. #8
    Senior Member Stan's Avatar
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    I was reading somewhere about the rise in infections due to brazillians something down to breaking the skin in the sweaty clunge area...goes off to google...

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/he...STI-warts.html

  10. #10
    Senior Member Dalesman 's Avatar
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    Start a new fashion, plat them and have em like a little pony tail.

  11. #11
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    It's there for a reason, just let it grow. With any luck, you'll build-up enough to do away with padded shorts altogether.

  12. #12
    Senior Member Stephanos Wephanos's Avatar
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    Clagnut tastic

  13. #13
    Senior Member oldnick's Avatar
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    Tie them to the tip of your old man for a painless Prince Albert effect.
    Improves the line of your breeches somewhat, but don't forget to unhitch before mounting your bicycle.

  14. #14
    Senior Member Jen J's Avatar
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    A back, sack and crack wax is very fashionable I believe.

  15. #15
    Senior Member Bobby Charlton's Avatar
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    Is anal bleaching an option you’ve considered? My wife and I run a busy anal bleaching business in the East Midlands. We’re regulated by the European Institute of Chloro-cosmeticians. It was something that came to me while I was in the army doing decontamination drills on vehicles apparently contaminated with sarin and tabun chemical agents, using bleach powder. (Transferable skill!)

    We pride ourselves on getting inground faecal pigmentation off the anus and “putting a smile where there used to be a pucker”. We come to you and all we need is the use of a bed or a kitchen table. But bear in mind that any chemical treatment can lead to discolouration of sheets and towels.

    You may have heard a rumour some months ago regarding how we nearly got shut down. This was due to a misunderstanding between us and our East European flyer distributor. While they’re very good at robbing clothing banks and strangling swans, following simple instructions are anathema to the average Estonian. We told him to distribute to the rest homes for the elderly and homeless centres (10% discount for pensioners and benefit claimants). Our secondary intention was to attract a charity case into setting up a franchise as nothing would give us greater pleasure in seeing a homeless person brought to their feet through anal bleaching.

    But no. Vaclav thought he could get rid of the flyers by handing them out to schoolkids and college students at school kicking out time. And these were our A5 three colour flyers with before and after photos. We were subject to a police investigation for weeks and our distributor has gone back to skimming cash machines.

    All’s well now and we’re back in business so do consider an intimate bleaching and all BM members get a complimentary prostate check and moisturise. (Subject to availability of prostates.)

  16. #16
    Senior Member Lur'bak's Avatar
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    *scratches arse in amazement*

  17. #17
    Senior Member Bobby Charlton's Avatar
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    We've got a few celebs on our books who have a regular "Bleach-Lite".

    Kate McCann, Lucy Kite and the Duke and Duchess of Devonshire to name a few.

  18. #18
    Senior Member Bobby Charlton's Avatar
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    Well what a coincidence. My wife has just taken a booking over the telephone from the Dean of Derby Cathedral. Bleach, moisturise and what we in the trade jokingly refer to as a "Stephen Fry's MOT". £45.50 including VAT. My wife's doing it and we've decided that during the air drying phase she'll descretly ask if it's OK to pin up a poster in his entrance.
    Last edited by Bobby Charlton; 17-04-13 at 13:09. Reason: Quote marks after MOT.

  19. #19
    Senior Member oldnick's Avatar
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    Bobby, I recently looked up what I now know to be 4X racing on the interweb, and before I found what I was looking for stumbled upon a very educational website (XXXX something or other).

    Before I could look away I'd watched a feature length tutorial on self gratification, and in these days of austerity and mindful of the potential savings I gave it a go.

    Whilst for various reasons I was unsuccessful I did end up with a close up of my no man's land for 45 minutes, until the Police broke the door down to allow the Paramedics in to treat my back which had gone into spasm.

    I couldn't help but notice during this time that my Sigmunds have taken on the colour of a robust red wine. Does your and your wife's business offer any treatment to return said Nobby Stiles to their usual pale rosť hue or should I seek medical assistance in addition to the regular mental health care I receive?

  20. #20
    Senior Member Bobby Charlton's Avatar
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    I understand your confusion with the internet. Whilst looking for remedies to rid our garden of an old fox I inadvertantly came across something relating to mature vixens.
    But back to your arse... Neither of us are medically qualified. We are purely COSMETIC in our operations. Our professional pride prevents us from putting harsh chemicals onto inflamed sensitive anal tissue. And prior to any agreed treatments we always do a visual check of the area to ensure that there are no phlebotomatic problems. Or as the Manual of Guidance puts it: "Is there an issue with the tissue"?

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